Redwall: The complete abridged collection
by ferretWARLORD
Summary: From Mossflower to The Rogue Crew, this is the epic redwall parody! This is a parody on all of the redwall books in what will probably be the longest parody I've ever written! Please read and reveiw!
1. Chapter 1: Martin will save you!

Mossflower was in the grip of mid-winter when he arrived. A sturdy mouse with dark eyes was walking down the path; looking back he stared at his paw prints in the snow, and sighed. Shifting the rusty blade on his back, he continued onward, and immediately stubbed his toe on a root hidden in the snow.

"AW SON OF A BI-" And he fell into the snow, gripping his busted toe he rolled around, yelling to himself, "Aw right in the god damned toe! AAAAAH! Mother F(bleep) that hurts like a mother f(bleep)er!" The mouse's screams trailed off through Mossflower, and were never heard by the family of hedgehogs living in the cabin to the south of Kotir.

The said family of hedgehogs were huttled around a turf fire when a scratching at the door of their cabin made them jump. They stood their, listening for it again, and then there was a knocking at the door, and they still were silent.

"Open dis ere' door rightem now!" A gruff voice said, followed by a loud banging. The hedgehog scrambled to his feet and ran to the door, and had just got in unlatched when a mole burst into the room, shaking the snow from his pelt. "You garsh darn hedgehogs! Always leave deh mole out always!"

"Oh quite bitching and warm yerself by the fire!" The hedgehog snapped back.

"Well oi come on ofer ere- oh f(bleep) this damn mole accent!" The mole pulled out a peice of silver birch bark and showed it to Ben Stickle. "This is a map from the rebels! We're going to them whether you want to or not!"

Goody Stickle wasn't to happy about the idea of her little ones going on this journey, especially when the weather was this bad!

"But the little-"

"WHETHER YOU LIKE IT. OR NOT!" The mole commanded the hedgehog maid sternly. Ben Stickle studied the map, which had the word _corim _on it and detailed instructions through Mossflower. Before the hedgehog could talk to his wife about it, there was another knock on the door.

"Open up! This is the rebels!" They heard a group of beasts snickering on the other side of the door, "We've come to tell you that we've defeated the vermin, and are here to rescue you!"

"Really?" Ben Stickle asked, his eyes bright and hopeful. His children started to dance around and laugh, his wife crying in joy. Then the door was kicked inward and a ferret and a stoat barged in with wild grins on their faces.

"Nope! Yer still hoplessly screwed!" The two mustelids were followed by a patrol of weasels with spears, who immediately burst into laughter at the confused and fearful faces of the woodlanders.

"Oh look at there faces!" One exclaimed.

"Oh my god you actually fell for it! Hahahaha!" Another sneered.

"AAAh! Its times like this that make you just appreciate the little things in life!" Another sighed, his eyes getting sleepy and blissful.

One of the hedgehog kits ran at the one of the weasels and kicked him in the shin, saying,

"You a meany!"

"Aw son of bitch! Why you little mother F(bleep)er! Aww god that hurts!" The weasel screamed, hopping around on one foot gripping his shin.

The ferret, Blacktooth, laughed at the hedgehog as he ran at him, and side stepped, causing the little one to slam into the wall, knocking him out cold.

"You heartless brute!" The hedgehog maid screamed, running towards her unconscious baby. The ferret felt hurt at that remark, and defended himself.

"Hey lady! That was self defense!" He turned to his patrol, "You all saw that right! He attacked me first!" His partol nodded in agreement. The ferret turned back to the maid, pointing to his men.

"Ya see? They saw it! He attacked me first!" The hedgehog maid simply growled at him. "Well sooorrry!" The ferret mocked, walking up to the hedgehogs mate. Kneeling down so he was level with the hedgehogs face, he whispered to him,

"Women! Am I right dude?" Ben nodded, rolling his eyes. The ferret stood back up, clapping his paws together, "Well, now that we got the formalities out of the-"

"But Blackieeee! What about me! Aren't ya gonna introduce me?" The stoat Splitnose whined, walking up to his ferrety companion. The ferret sighed and pointed to the stoat.

"This is Splitnose! Me best mate!" The stoat smiled cheerfully. Then the ferret slammed Ben Stickle into the wall, his voice getting serious and stern, "Now! Wheres the bomb!"

"What are you-" He was silence by the ferrets paw slapping him in the face.

"Wheres the f(bleeping) bomb you god damned terrorist!" The ferret screamed in the hedgehogs face, who screamed back,

"What in the name of god are you talking about!" As soon as he said that the ferret released him and his voice went back to normal.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that, I fell asleep last night watching CSI and I guess it got stuck in my head!" The hedgehog cocked his head.

"Wait! You guys have TV?" He asked, rather surprised. The ferret smiled, puffing out his chest, cheerfully exclaiming,

"Yes! And there flat screens! We even have ipods!" The entire patrol whipped out ipods and turned them on, showing the hedgehogs, who in turn stared in awe. "Now, back to business, we want all of your food and supplys!" Ben Stickle sighed.

"Sure..."

**Later...**

The patrol walked off away from the cabin, most of them hauling sacks of food on their shoulders. Blacktooth smiled at his companion and exclaimed happily,

"Well! Everything went better that expected!"

"You can say that again mate!" His friend replied.

"Ya! I thought something was going to happen for-" A mouse charged from the woodlands, a bandage on his toe, screaming,

"Deeeaath to aaaallll!" Blacktooth whirled around and delt an epic round house kick to the mouse face, knocking him out. Looking at the unconscious mouse on the ground, he spat on him.

"Bitch."


	2. Chapter 2: In prison With Gonff Oh god

"Yyyyooouuu wwhhhooo! Wakey! Wakey!" Martin opened his eyes, and the first thing he noticed is that his foot paws were chained to the wall. Groaning, he looked up and came face to face with another grinning mouse.

"Ugh, where am I?" The other mouse simply shrugged, casually saying,

"Oh yer dead." Martin went wide eyed with shock and fear.

"W-what!" The other mouse burst into laughter, falling on his back.

"Hahaha! Just kidding! Were in prison!" The mouse let out a _eep _as the Martin's fist knocked him to the ground. The mouse spat out blood onto the ground and got up like nothing happened, standing up he turned and faced Martin, still grinning.

"I'm Gonff! Gonff the mouse theif!" Martin stared at the stupidly grinning mouse, who was holding his paw out in friend ship, blood trickling down the corner of his mouth. Sighing he asked Gonff,

"I'm stuck with you aren't I?"

"Yep!"

Tsarmina the wild cat paced outside her father's room as the fox Fortunata tended to him. She snickered as she talked out loud about her plan.

"Heheh. The poison Fortunata gave that old thing will surely kill him, and then I will take over as Queen of Mossflower!" She let out a loud laugh. "All shall bow before me! All shall-"

"What are you doing?" The wild cat screamed and jumped up as her brother spoke.

"Oh! Uh, er, just another day dream I had, just, uh, reminiscing!" She smiled weakly at her brother, who cocked his head.

"Well It looked like you were plotting to kill my father-" Before her brother Gingivere could finish, Fortunata flew through the door, screaming,

"Oh the horror! Someone has poisoned our dear beloved Verdauga!" Tsarmina screamed as well, quickly grabbing her brother and shoving him into the room with the dead lord, yelling, "Oh my stars! My brothers slain him!"

A massive group of vermin swarmed into the room in seconds, grabbing the confused wild cat and running off with him to the dungeons.

**BACK TO MARTIN AND GONFF….**

"Knock! Knock!"

"Ugh, who's there?"

"Dishes!"

"Dishes who?"

"Dish_ isn't_ the last joke!"

"Gonff! Does it look like I care!" Martin finally yelled at the chuckling Gonff, who really doesn't know when to shut up. "Why don't you go bother a weasel or something?" Just then a crowd of vermin rushed past their cell, hauling a confused wildcat. Gonff immediately shot up, running to the cell door, yelling,

"Hey! Any of you boys wanna hear a joke?" None of the vermin stopped or even acknowledged him. "Hey! I'm talkin' to you!" Still none of them answered.

"Well I still have you to talk with!" The warrior mouse couldn't help but scream at the top of his lungs. And that scream echoed through the entire castle, eventually being heard by Tsarmina.

"Huh, well that's odd." She pulled out a small note pad and flipped through it, a confused look on her face. "I didn't have any torturings scheduled today."

**MEANWHILE, AT BROCKHALL, **

"So, ole Gonff's gone a missin' ey?" Skipper questioned Columbine, who ALWAYS had him in her sights. The mouse maid fluttered her eyelashes, answering,

"Yeah! It's horrible! I haven't seen him for over five whole minutes!" Every woodlander gasped within Brockhall, knowing how stalkerish the mouse maid was towards Gonff.

"Well, I guess we should find him then." Skipper sighed, grabbing his javelin off the wall, turning to the badger Bella. "Do we _have to get him back?_"

"Unfortunately, yes. Yes we do."

"God dammit all."

**And I now give you chapter two of my abridged series! Please read and review, and while yer at it, please give me any ideas you have for the next chapter! And I know that this was a short one, and I'm sorry for that.**


	3. Chapter 3: The escape was pretty easy

**Now before I start this chapter, I noticed I forgot to put the title of the book in the beginning of this parody, so I'll put it in the beginning of this chapter instead of just editing the first chapter cuz I'm too lazy to do too much work. Also, I got a complaint from Taggerung Girl that I have to much swears in this, so their won't be any swearing. Sorry guys. Well, how bout I shut up and make you laugh!**

**MOSSFLOWER!**

**THE ABRIDGED SERIES**

Martin awoke from the sound of something clattering through the metal bars of their window, and he heard something land in the straw. Crawling around in the dark he eventually found what had fell.

"Oh why look Gonff!" The warrior mouse mocked, laughing to himself, waking up the theif. "A stick! Someones given me a stick!" The mouse stood up and ran to the window, tossing the stick back out the window, yelling,

"Thank you _soooo _much! Jerk!"

**MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE OF KOTIR, **

Lady Amber watched from her perch as the stick flew back _out _the window and struck Skipper in the back of the head, harmlessly bouncing of the massive otter.

"What the?" Skipper rubbed the back of his head, turning around he picked up the stick he had just thrown through the window. "How did- It must of bounced off the window! Better throw it harder!" The otter took a step back and got a running start, tossing the stick like a javelin at the window, yelling,

"Now go through the damn window! EERRRRAAAARRG!"

**BACK INSIDE THE DUNGEONS OF KOTIR...**

A weasel guard had gone over to inspect the noise that he just heard coming from the dungeon, grumbling to himself as he went.

"Oh no! Don't let a poor weasel sleep! Make him wake up in the middle of the night! Always making racket! And after all I've done for them, they still annoy the crap outa me!" The weasel reached the cell as the one of the mice tossed a stick out the window, yelling,

"Thank you _soooo _much! jerk!" The weasel banged his paw against the cell door, waking up both the mice.

"Oi! What are you two doing up? I told you specifically that yer curfew was nine thirty! If you two are going to ask for a glass of milk well forget it!" A stick went sailing through the window and lodged itself in the weasel's neck, who looked at the stick sticking out of him, whining, "Now look at what you two have done! _Bleh_!" And then the weasel slumped down to the floor.

Gonff, giggling childishly, snatched the weasel guard's keys and unlocked the shackles from him and ulocked Martin's as well, remarking,

"Ha! I'm pretty glad he could _stick _around!" The mouse warrior simply groaned, not wanting to here another pun or joke from anyone else for as long as he lived.

Gonff started down the passage way when he noticed Martin wasn't with him, but still in the dungeon, talking to some beast in the other cell.

"I'll help you if I ever get the chance!" The mouse declared, turning around he ran off down the passage way, with the still confused wildcat yelling after him,

"Wait- what! Why don't you save me now then? Who are you! Why am I locked up!" The cat started to cry, whimpering to himself, "Oooh... I should of stayed off the kat nip when I had the chance..."

Martin and Gonff ran down the passage way as fast as they could, and to their dismay, they rounded a corner and slammed into Tsarmina herself! The wildcat screamed and fainted in shock, leaving the weasels she had with her and the mice standing there.

"Uuuh... aren't you gonna do anything?" Martin asked nervously, backing away.

"We really don't know, usually Tsarmina just bitches at us (sorry bout' this taggerung girl) to go and capture you. But now since she's unconsious, we don't know _what to do!_" The weasel stood there, staring at their queen, twiddling their thumbs nervously. Then Martin had an idea.

"Hey you guy?" The weasels looked up at the mouse, who was smiling. "You know what would suck?"

"No, what?"

"If you let us out!" The weasels all started to grin evilly at the two mice, and pointed their spears at them.

"Well go on you mice! Were letting you out!" The two mice started to wail and whimper, pleading to the weasels to let them stay, but the weasels simply shook their heads.

"Nope! Yer leavin' right now!"

**MEANWHILE, AT THE GATES OF KOTIR...**

Skipper Warthorn and Lady Amber the squirrel Queen watched as the gates of Kotir slowly openned, and two mice came out, a gang of weasel prodding them along.

The leader of the weasels watched as the two mice disappeared into Mossflower, and to his surprise, they were laughing at them! Then the realization of what just happened hit him. A ferret ran up to him, watching as the prisoners ran off, turning to the weasel, he said,

"Uuh... sir? The prisoners are-"

"I know. I know."

"Should we-"

"No, theirs squirrel archers in the trees, we'd be made into pin cushions if we went out there."

"But-" The ferret was interupted by a loud, menacing, horrifying roar as the wild cat awoke, realizing that her prisoners were gone. The weasel casually sighed in sheer rage and annoyance.

"That would be mi'lady wakin' up!" The ferret fainted as the doors going to the castle exploded off their hinges, the wild cat charging across the parade grounds towards them, and the weasel said one last thing.

"God damn those mice..."

**SOMEWHERE IN MOSSFLOWER...**

Skipper laughed as him and his otters met up with the two mice, patting them on the back. Well, he patted Martin on the back, and glared at Gonff. The otter was about to congratulate their successful escape when the heard a scream, and looking up he saw a weasel flying through the air towards them.

The three dodged to the side and the weasel slammed into a tree, casually saying,

"Ouch. Yep, definitely gone be feeling this in the morning..."

**And I gives you chapter 3! Also, I've been realizing that this one reveiwer, "eh" is being rather mean to a fellow author of mine Fong Wong 14, and I just wanted to ask him something if he is reading this. **

**"If you hate his stories so much, why do you reveiw them?"**

**Also, to all of my fellow fans out there, please read and reveiw, and thanks!**


	4. Chapter 4:Welcome to Brockhall

**And now I give you the 4th- no wait, was it the... 3rd? Maybe it was the 4th... no, it was 3rd- But still... (shrugs) eh, heres the next chapter. **

Gonff pranced through the woodlands, singing loudly to himself as skipper slowly started to simmer with rage, his temper bubbling as the mouse sang.

"Were all in this togeettheerrr! When we come we can fight we can do it! Weeree allll innn thiisss toogether!" The otter finally snapped, screaming at the mouse,

"For F(bleep) sake Gonff! DO NOT sing in front of me! And if you are, please sing the right lyrics!" The mouse stared blankly at the seething otter, then smiled, changing his song.

"Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around an-"

"RRRRRAAAAARRRGGG!" The skipper of otters roared as he slammed into the mouse, and the otter would of surely thrown Gonff like a foot ball (we all know we want to) if it weren't for Columbine smashing the skipper upside the head with a base ball bat, yelling,

"You leave him alone!" And continued to beat the otter, who could only roll on the ground, yelling curses with every hit the connected with his body.

"Aw god you son of a-"

_WHAM!_

"Mother fu-"

_WACK!_

"Please stop I-"

_SLAM!_

"No! no! Its not supposed to-"

_CCCRRRAAACK SNAP!_

"EEEEEEEEK! Its not supposed to bend that w-a-a-aaay!"

Finally Lady Amber and her squirrels were able to pry the mouse maid off the otter, who was frothing at the mouth, clawing the air towards skipper, who whimpered and cowered. The squirrels tossed the mouse into a reinforced steel cage, and there was a click as they locked the door. The mouse immediately switched personalities, turning back to her normal, passive, stalkerish ways.

"Lady Amber? Why am I locked up?" The squirrel simply ignored the squirrel, walking over to the otter, who had a dislocated shoulder. With a swift movement and a loud, audible _SNAP _the otter's shoulder was relocated, and the squirrel shook her head in disappointment at the otter as he whimpered on the ground.

"Wow skipper. It says a lot about some one when your a fully grown male otter who can't handle a mouse maid."

Lady Amber whirled around as she heard a jingling sound and saw Martin walking out of a Subway in the middle of the woods, munching on a foot long sub.

"Wha- what the f(bleep) is that?" She asked pointing at the building, and then her confused eyes fell on the mouse. "And who the f(bleep) is this?"

"Oh thats Martin the Warrior. Him and Gonff met in the Dungeons of Kotir." Columbine gleefully said from her cage, staring blissfully at Gonff, who was preoccupied with a butterfly at the moment. "I always keep a good eye on my hunking little stack of man cakes over there... oh if I only had some syrup..."

The entire group of woodlanders took a step away from the mouse maid, who was busy day dreaming about Gonff and her, well, lets face it, in bed. (I'm just a terrible person, aren't I?)

**Later...**

Martin looked around at Brock hall, The old fire place, the dirt floor, the wooden furniture roughly carved from oak, and frowned.

"Well this place is a dump." Every single beast there gasped as the mouse said that. Martin looked around, completely confused. "What? Was it something I-"

The mouse was cut off by a loud thumping sound of some large beast walking, coming from a room to his left. Then he heard a growling noise and the door handle was jiggled around, and then he heard some beast curse to itself. Then a large fist punched through the door, unlocking it and turning the handle.

Then the door was thrown open as the badger Bella came out, her fur soaking wet, a towel wrapped around her body. Her face didn't seem to happy.

"All right, who in the name of my father was talking sh(bleep) about are home?" Every beast pointed at Martin, who was wide eyed and shaking in fear. The badger walked up to him and punched him up into the ceiling, his legs sticking out, and then she walked back into the bathroom she came from. "Now will everyone please let me finish my shower?"

Every beast simply stared at Martin's legs as the mouse groaned in the ceiling, and Lady Amber adopted a cheerful additude, gleefully saying,

"Welcome to Brockhall!" The mouse simply groaned even louder.

**Here is chapter 4! And I know it wasn't long, but I really wanted to update this one, so here you guys go. The next chapter will all be about the vermin of Kotir and Tsarmina and Brogg discussing battle plans over tea! :D**

**please read and reveiw!**


	5. Chapter 5:TO SALAMANDERASTRON

SKipper awoke in his bed, panting and sweating. The otter groaned as he remembered his dream. "Uugh... another Amber dream again..."

The otter looked up and came snout to snout with a mouse in a green habit. "SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THING FURRY!" The otter stumbled out of his bed, and noticed several other mice in his room as well, all of them shuffling around mumbling to each other. One of the mice walked up to the otter and bowed, saying,

"Hello my son." The otter cocked his head, confused. Then his eyes widened in shock and he literally exploded in sheer joy, grabbing the mouse and locking him in a friendly bear hug, gleefully saying,

"DADDDYY!" The mouse blushed as the otter let him down and he looked up at the skipper, a confused look on his face.

"Daddy? Oh no, I call everyone that." The otter's ears drooped, and his happy go lucky face shattered into a sad, shocked faced.

"What? I'm an orphan!"

"No! I wasn't-"

"I HATE YOU!" The otter snapped, cutting the mouse off. Running out of the room and into a nearby bathroom, he slammed the door, whinning, "I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN!"

"Oh fer the love of christ..." The mouse groaned.

**MEANWHILE, BACK AT KOTIR, **

"Sooo... Do you think there really is a god, or did life just randomly kick itself in the pants and decided to start?" Brogg asked Tsarmina, who was sipping tea as she sat cross legged in a fancy looking chair. The wild cat sighed and put her tea down on a little plate.

"Well, I personally think that there _is _a god, and that we will all see him eventually." Brogg scoffed, putting his tea down as well, saying rather casually,

"Thats just silly. To think that there is actually a-" A massive beam of energy suddenly and quite randomly blew through the ceiling and fried the poor stoat right there, the mustelids body completely black and charred. The wild cat sighed as she watched the stoat groan and flop to the ground, a twitching foot paw sticking in the air.

**MEANWHILE, AT THE KOTIR MESS HALL...**

"But Blackiiiiiiieee! That's not fair!" The stoat whined as his ferret companion laughed and flicked his king off the board, gleefully declaring a "check mate". The ferret grinned as he reset his pieces in their original positions, remarking,

"Well maybe next time you won't fall for the queen's sacrifice mate!" The stoat simply grumbled to himself, and his attention was caught by a white ferret with brown paws playing with a ball of yarn, dooking and growling as he wrestled his toy. The ferret's eyes, which were also surrounded by brown fur, were fillled with glee as he tumbled around with his toy, eventually stopped to lay there panting.

The stoat looked over at his friend, and was surprised to see his eyes were fillled with wonder and glee as he stared at the ball of yarn. The stoat grinned excitedly.

"You thinkin' what I'm thinkin?" The ferret stood up, cracking his knuckles, and nodded.

The brown pawed ferret shrieked, or dooked is more like it, in sheer terror as the two lunged at him, screaming,

"YYYYAAARRRNNNN FFFIIIIIGGGHHT!"

_CRASH!_

_WHAM! SHATTER!_

_WILHELM SCREAM _

_BIFF! WA-CLUNK!_

Then there was silence. Utter silence. Blackeye the ferret and Splitnose the stoat were laying on the ground moaning and groaning, each of them sporting a number of injuries. Victorious, the brown pawed ferret skipped down the halls of Kotir with his ball of yarn.

**ON THE WALLS OF KOTIR...**

A stoat walked up the steps and onto the wall tops of the fearsome castle. After a quick scan of his surroundings he reached behind his back and grabbed a rat, slamming him onto the ground and pulling out a wrench, he chuckled.

"Buildin' a sentry!"

_CLANK! CLANK! CLANK!_

The rat then stood there with a bow and arrow, slowly rotating from left to right, making a constant beeping sound. Then out from the trees the stoat heard some beast yell "sentry ahead!", and the rat was reduced to pulp as sling stones and arrows completely bombarded him, and the stoat cried out,

"Sentry down!" And he ran off back towards Kotir, as more sling stones rained over the walls.

**BACK AT BROCKHALL...**

"Amber! Why the hell is my possible father and his friends in are home?" Skipper questioned the squirrel queen about the mice, who was sobbing as she wiped the tears off her face, crying,

"But they were so helpless! I-"

"I don't care!" The otter yelled, cutting the maid off. Then the otters attention was turned to the doorway, where the mice were all staring at him with small, beady black eyes. The otter simply waved, giving them an awkward nervous smile. The mice simply shuffled away, and the otter waited until they were completely out of sight before he shuddered, saying,

"Those creepy beady eyes will be the death of me!"

**And since this chapter hasn't moved the plot of the original story, I'll give you this. **

Martin and Gonff were sitting at a table in Brockhall, Gonff constantly trying to make the annoyed mouse warrior laugh, when skipper flew through the door and stopped at the table, his face serious and concerned. His serious eyes met the mouse warriors as he grabbed him, yanking him off his feet and shaking him wildly as he yelled in his face,

"Martin! YOU AND GONFF MUST GO ON A DANGEROUS MISSION TO SAVE US ALL! YOU MUST GO TO SALAMANDERASTRON AND GET HELP FROM THE BADGER LORD!" Before the mouse could answer the otter tossed him to the ground along with a cloak and a sack of food. Reaching behind his back he pulled out a mole and tossed it to him.

"HERE'S A MOLE TO GO ALONG WITH YOU FOR NO GOOD REASON WHAT SO EVER!"

"Hello. Moi noim be Kinny!" The mole said cheerfully.

"Uuuh-" The confused mouse was then shoved out the door along with a map, Skipper saying one last thing to the mouse and his companions.

"Now go before Columbine finds out Gonff is missing!"

"Gooonnnff!" The sing song creepy voice of Columbine was heard, and skipper screamed to them as he slammed the door,

"GO! YOUR LIVES DEPEND ON IT!"

Skipper smiled nervously as he saw the stalker mouse prance through the door way, a bushel of flowers in her paw, smiling. The mouse stopped when she got to skipper and cocked her head at the massive otter.

"Skipper... why are you smiling like that? And wheres my stack of man cakes gotten to, I got sssyyyrrruup!" The mouse waved a bottle of maple syrup in front of the otters snout. The otter shuddered as he thought what horrible things she could of done to Gonff.

"Well uh, er, um... They're gone." The flowers fell to the ground as the mouse stared at the otter with a blank stare, her eye twitching.

"W-what was that you said skipper?" The otter felt the world get dizzy and he fainted as the mouse literally blew a fuse in her brain as she screamed at the top of her lungs.

**Well hi there guys! Yer good ole' friend ferret here! Thought I was dead did ya? Well in a way yes, my computer died a few days ago, and I'm currently using my moms computer. Well this is probably the only update yer gonna get for a few days. Also, If anyone got the Team Fortress 2 reference, good for you! I'd also like to point out that I maid a guest appearance as the ferret playing with the yarn! Dook! :3**

**Read, enjoy, and review!  
**


	6. Chapter 6: ?

"YOUR MAJESTY!" Brogg screamed as he burst through the door to Tsarmina's room, the wildcat screaming and dropping the dolls she was playing with, who in turn screamed back as she kicked her dolls under the bed,

"WHAT?" Brogg walked in and yelled back,

"WE JUST CAUGHT TWO HEDGEHOGS IN A DITCH!"

"REALLY? THAT WILL GIVE US SOME LEVERAGE! GOOD WORK! I SHOULD PROMOTE YOU!"

"WHY ARE WE STILL YELLING!"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"AAAAAAAAHH!" THE WILDCAT AND STOAT SCREAMED IN UNISON.

**MEANWHILE, OUT OF MOSSFLOWER, ARE TWO MUSTELID SOLDIERS, FOLLOWED BY SCRATCH, WERE AFTER ARE THREE BRAVE HEROS. WELL TWO HEROS AND GONFF.**

"But Blaaaaaackiiiieee! We didn't pack any ffooood!" The stoat Splitnose whined, jabbing his friend in the ribs repeatedly. The ferret wacked the stoats paw away, retorting,

"That's because _the queen _said we couldn't carry much, cuz were low on food supplys!"

"But why are we low on food supplyyyyyss!" The stoat whined again. The ferret growled, face palming.

"How the hell should I know?"

**MEANWHILE…**

A group of weasels, rats, ferrets, and stoats all were foraging for food in Mossflower, one of them standing up and stretching his back, a blissful look on his face as he looked up at the sky.

"Aaaah! This is the life mates! Just us vermin all havin' a good time foraging!" There were murmurs of agreement among the vermin, and the weasel sighed again. "I just hope nothing bad happens on such a beautiful day, oh how horrible-"

As fast as the wind woodlanders, who were known as the bark crew, rushed in, beat the living snot out of all the vermin, and sped off with their food. Leaving the dazed and bruised ferrets, weasels, rats, and stoats confused and defeated. The weasel that had spoken was wacked across the back of his head by a nearby ferret.

**AT KOTIR…**

"Fortunata!" Tsarmina yelled from her room, "Get your flat chested body in here now or I'll-"

"I'm right here mi'lady." The wildcat stopped yelling and looked to her right at the robe clad fox standing next to her throne.

"Oh, well good... Ok, I have a mission for you..."

Fortunata walked out of the gates of Kotir glad in her robes and jeweled necklaces, making her look very much like a gypsy. The fox stared at her jewels and sighed. If only they weren't plastic...

**BACK IN MOSSFLOWER, AND THESE LITTLE SCENE CHANGEY THINGS ARE REALLY GETTING ON YOUR NERVES AREN'T THEY? LOL.**

Columbine was busy singing about her boyfriend, or victim, when she spotted the fox on the horizon. Well since Gonff is gone, she thought, I guess I can always try a fox... oh wait. Dammit all, its a girl. The mouse sighed as she ran back to Brockhall.

Skipper walked into camp followed by ferret. But before lady amber or the badger Bella could attack the vermin, skipper stopped them, saying,

"Whoa, whoa, whoa ladies, this is my brother the mask!" The ferret took of his mask, showing his ottery features. "Can you believe it? I just bumped into him in the woods!"

"You came at me with a spear declaring "die foul villain"." The mask objected, "I wasn't even in disguise!"

Skipper simply rolled his eyes, saying,

"Suuuurre you were. Or are you-" The otter whirled around, grabbing his face, yanking, "A FERRET!" The otter stared at his agitated brother, his claws latched onto his face.

"Oh, I guess you were telling the truth."

Then columbine came rushing into camp, latching onto skipper, saying,

"Skipper! I'm choosing you as my boy friend! Also, theres a fox coming down the path." The otter shoved her off and ran into Brockhall, slamming the door. Bella sighed, saying,

"Oh skipper. I worry about you... Ok, don't tell the abbey mice about this. If they find out I don't want them to-" Before the badger could finish her sentence the door to Brockhall swung open, and the abbey mice all came scattering out, screaming and wailing.

"Oh god were all gonna die!"

"I don't wanna die a virgin!"

"SQQQUUUEEEK!"

"EEEEEEEP!"

"AAAAAAH!"

Bella groaned, face palming as she turned to Lady Amber,

"Lets talk about this in private."

**LATER...**

The mask walked out of the room, now with a peice of paper with a poorly drawn fox face on it. Two holes were cut where the eyes should be, showing his black beady eyes. Bella sighed again.

"Now how the hell is that gonna work?"

"Yeah, who could be that stupid as to-" There was a knock on the door to Brockhall, cutting them off. A mouse with leathor armor ran in to where Bella and Lady Amber were, telling them what he saw.

"Sir! Flat chested female fox at the front door sir!" The mouse gave a military style solute.

"Oh. Well thanks. Are you sure its not a guy?"

"No sir! Its surely a female! I could smell her scent sir! It was like daiseys in a spring meadow!"

Fortunata was waiting at the front door of Brockhall, shuffling her foot paws and looking at her chest rather doubtfully. Then the door was opened and an otter with a peice of paper taped to its face strutted out. A poorly drawn fox face was drawn on the paper. She groaned.

"Wow." The otter, apparently trying to be a fox, whistled. "Your chest _is _flat!"

Lady Amber and Bella were standing in Brockhall, watching from a window at the two as the fox slapped the otter in the face, knocking his down to the ground. When Lady Amber noticed that skipper wasn't with them.

Skipper watched the fox as she was lead into Brockhall by his brother, her beautiful sparkling eyes, her golden red fur, her beautiful curves, her- but she was vermin, and he was woodlander. It wouldn't work, but her sexy body... eeerg! What should I do! The otter took in a deep breath and started singing.

Lady Amber heard dramatic music muffled by the door going to Skipper's room, and she slowly creaked the door open, and there was skipper, singing and doing dramatic poses as if he were in an opera or something.

_"Like fire! Hell fire!_

_This fire in my skin!_

_This buurning deesire, _

_Is turning me to sin!"_

The squirrel Queen rolled her eyes and closed the door. Oh skipper, she thought as she walked back to Bella, I _really _we sorry about you.

Fortunata looked around Brockhall- the dirt floor, the roughly carved furniture, the lack of barely any windows. The fox sighed as one of the doors popped off it's hinges and slowly fell forward, slamming onto a mouse.

"Man this place is a du-" Lady Amber sped forward and clamped her paw over the foxes mouth, whispering,

"Don't! Don't say it!" The squirrel pointed at Bella, "Watch."

"Ey mouse!" The squirrel yelled at a mouse gaurd, who turned his attention towards her. "What's your opinion on todays economic status?" the mouse adopted a thoughtful look as he answered,

"Oh I personally think it's a dump, what with all of the- "

"Why would you say BROCKHALLS A DUMP!" The squirrel said rather loudly in Bella's direction, cutting the mouse off. The badger started to shake with rage and her face got disfigured with anger as she turned to the mouse, who said,

"Wait what are we talking abo-"

_WHAM! _The badger's fist sent the mouse through the roof and out of Brockhall. The fox cringed as a distant explosion was heard as the mouse hit the ground.

"Why did the mouse explo-"

"No Idea." The squirrel answered the fox before she could finish. Then she clapped her paws together, saying, "Well, since yer are guest I guess we should put you to work immediately!"

The fox groaned.

**Hey guys! I actually updated yay! Sorry bout' not updating very often, I actually have a job now! Plus I went to the fair and shit but that stuffs not important, so please reveiw!**


	7. Chapter 7: Fortunata no!

The ferret groaned as his companion Splitnose was once again prodding him in the ribs, now whining about something different,

"Bllllaaackiiiie! Why haven't we caught up with them yeeeeeet!" The stoat was now whining about the fact that they haven't caught up with the three hero's since they left, "Are we even going the right wa-"

"SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!" The weasel Scratch finally screamed in the stoats face, making the mustelid squeak and latch onto Blacktooth, who growled and shoved the stoat off of himself. The weasel shook his head in disgust at the stoat. "You obviously don't know how to get a ferret's attention!"

The weasel pulled out a jingling ball, jingling it around. The ferrets head immediately shot up, his ears erect as he whirled around, staring wide eyed at the jingling ball. The weasel waved the ball back and forth, the ferrets eyes following the toy, and the ferret was about to try and snatch it when a brown and white sable ferret flew over them all, screaming,

"TOOOOOOOYYY!" And his brown paws snatched the jingling thing, and he tumbled into the forest, sprinting away with it. The ferret Blacktooth whimpered and fell flat on his stomach, watching the ferret as he disappeared into the trees, laughing.

"I feel like we're going to be seeing him a lot." The ferret muttered in despair. The weasel and the stoat both stared at the prone woozle, until finally the silence was broken as Splitnose finally said,

"So…. When are we gonna catch up with em?"

"Soon, soon." The ferret replied, still staring into the part of the woods where the other ferret had gone.

**MEANWHILE, BACK IN MOSSFLOWER, **

Lady Amber the Squirrel Queen burst through the door to skipper's room, yelling,

"Skipper! The fox has escaped! She's no longer in Brockhall! She's gone!" The otter was shocked at the news, his ears drooping, his face a mix of confusion and rage.

"What? But how I- Never mind! Get out you idiot!"

"Well no need to call me an idiot... jeez..." The squirrel muttered to herself as she closed the door, the otter turning to to the fire place.

"I'll find her! I'll find her if I have to flood all of Kotir!"

"Hell fire! Dark fire! Now Gypsy it's your turn!

Be mine or,

Your pyre,

Be mine or you will buuuurn!"

The otter tossed the one of the foxs scarfs (yes, he stole her scarf) into the fire, watching the silk cloth as it burst into flames. The otter suddenly started to cower as he faced the wall behind him, his head drooping as he continued his sorrow filled ballad, shadows of some unseen evil surrounding the otter,

"God have mercy on her!

God have mercy on _me_!"

Then the otter turned back around, his face now filled with rage once more,

"But she will be mine or,

Sheeee, Wiiiiiiilllll, Buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrnnn!"

**MEANWHILE, IN THE WOODS OF MOSSFLOWER, FAR FROM BROCKHALL, **

"What the?" The fox fortunata stopped in her tracks, looking around the forest frantically, certain the some one, or _something, _was having a big dramatic scene involving her. Shrugging that thought off she continued trekking through the woods, then a sudden thought occured to the vixen. "Ya know, I could probably leave right now. I wouldn't have to deal with that bitch of a wild cat, or any of these annoying woodlanders! Yeah! It's time I started a new life!"

The vixen spread her paws akimbo, yelling towards the sky,

"YA HEAR THAT WORLD! I'M A NEW FOX! I'M-" The fox's ears drooped as she saw a hail of arrows flying through the air towards her, "Oh those woodlander sons a bi-"

Lady Amber groaned at the new archers, who had just fired off a hail of arrows into the sky on accident, how they did it simultaneously she would never know, and scolding the archers she grabbed one of there bows and fired an expert shot at the target.

"Now _that _is how you hit the target! God you guys didn't even try!"

**MEANWHILE...**

Ashleg, (who I sadly forgot to mention in any of the chapters) stumped into the wild cat's room, his wooden leg making him limp as he walked. The wild cat turned from staring into the fire to staring at Ashlegs wooden leg. The pine marten coughed to get her attention.

"Oh! Why yes Ashpeg, what is it?"

"Its Ashleg." The pine marten said to the cat. Who replied,

"Oh sorry, ok Antleg, what is it."

"It's _Ash_leg."

"Nutmeg? Now why do you want nutmeg?"

"No, it's _Ashleg._"

"Now Ashwig, I'm pretty sure Ash is a character from Pokemon!"

The pine marten finally gave up, saying,

"Yer right, yer right, my name is Ashwig."

"Damn straight your name is Ashleg." The wild cat said with a sense of victory as she puffed out her chest, "Now what was it you wanted to tell me?"

The pine marten tried his best not to take his wooden leg off and beat the living snot out of her as she smiled at him, and he calmed down, saying,

"Well we found Fortunata..."

"And she's probably starving for some meat! I heard that all those woodlanders eat is _vegetables, _whatever the hell that means, and I can't wait to see her-"

"Actually," She was cut off by the pine marten, who was shuffling his foot paws nervously, "She's well, shall we say, uh, er, a pin cushion."

The wild cat was taken back by the pine martens words, her eyes were wide with shock as she took in the information.

"Well, thats a- thats a really hefty loss. Oh wow I'm actually feeling sorrowful. I don't think we'll ever find a fox like-"

A ferret ran in, doing a serious solute as he ran in, and almost tripping on his own feetpaws, the ferret blurted out,

"Your majesty! The- pant, pant, pant- theres a fox outside. Calls himself Patchcoat. Uuuuuuugh-" The ferret passed out and slumped to the ground, and as he was dragged away by two rats, Tsarmina suddenly brightened up.

"Well lets let em on in!"

"But weren't you greiving just a moment ago about Fortunata?" The pine marten asked, and he was answered by an excitedly happy cat.

"No Idea who yer talking about! I'm just glad we have another fox! Every horde needs a fox! HAHAHAHAHA!" The cat went running off, laughing. The pine marten growled as he tried to control his anger, muttering to himself,

"Only a few more months till retirement, only a few more months till retirement, only a few more months till retirement..."

**Well I just killed off Fortunata, finally noticed that I didn't have Ashleg in any of these chapters, and I haven't really been writing too much cuz I just discovered this badass version of Redwall, called _Spellsinger _by Alan Dean Foster. It has a sex crazed otter! And he's awesome! But anyway, please read and reveiw! I also think I invented a knew Redwallian word to! Feetpaws! :D**


	8. Chapter 8: Woozles!

Tsarmina was standing around in her chamber with Brogg the stoat, just chillin' around and not really doing anything. Then abruptly Brogg started to convulse and shake and suddenly there was a loud _POP _and the stoat was shrouded by smoke. Tsarmina un latched herself from the roof after having that major scare, and looking at the pillar of smoke as it slowly disappeared, revealing the same beast only he was shorter.

"Uuuh… Brogg. The f(bleep) just happened to you…" The stoat looked at the wild cat, not sure what compelled her to ask that, then looking at himself he wailed in despair.

"OOOH NONONONONOOOOOO!" Tsarmina was at Brogg's side in seconds.

"Brogg! What's wrong?!" The weasel fell to his knees, tugging at his skin and fur, completely freaking out,

"I'm a, I'm a, I'm a,"

"Yer what Brogg?!"

" _A WEASEL!" _The _weasel _broke down into tears, falling to the floor. The wild cat stared at the _weasel's _prone form, an annoyed look on her face.

"But isn't that the basically the same thing?" She asked, and the _weasel _simply rolled out of the room, a trail of tears following him as he rolled away.

**MEANWHILE….**

Martin awoke to see a spear point pointed directly at his snout. Looking past the spear he saw his two friends tied together, a stoat laughing out loud as Gonff told him one of his annoying gags. Then he saw the ferret who was grinning at them.

"Please. Don't. I already want him dead as it is!" The mouse pleaded, but the ferret simply sniggered.

Later the mouse warrior found himself tied next to Gonff, who was telling him several jokes. The mouse tried his best not to cry as he watched the stoat laugh his ass off.

"Oh hahahaha! This mouse tells the funniest jokes!" Splitnose laughed, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, and Blacktooth simply smirked.

"Well at least he's not whining to me about any-"

"Bllllaaaackiiiiie! Why don't you tell jokes like Gooooonnnff!"

The ferrets face start to disfigure with rage and he ran over to the river that the woodlanders had camped near, ramming his head into the water. The water bubbled and frothed violently where the ferrets head had gone under water.

The stoat cocked his head at this, then turned back around to look at the three woodlanders.

"Tell me more jokes." Martin simply exploded and screamed at the top of his lungs just like Blacktooth was doing under water.

**MEANWHILE… AT KOTIR….**

Two pairs of ferrets were playing poker in the mess hall, both of them displaying epic poker faces as they discussed the current events of the castle.

"Well mate, what I heard is that ole Brogg and ole Tsarmina are in love!"

"No! You don't say? Odd, I heard that he tried to make himself look like a weasel to impress her!"

"Why? Does the ole Queeny have a thing for weasels?"

"I Dunno."

"Well whatever. Ah ha! Four queens!" The first slapped down his cards, grinning a toothy grin.

"Royale Flush!" The second said, slapping his cards over his opponents cards. His buddy simply growled, flipping the table over in rage. Stomping over to a stool in the corner he sat down to pout.

Then Brogg went running by, screaming and wailing about the horrible thing that had befallen him, completely nude. The ferret sitting there at the flipped table watched the weasel as he ran by.

"Huh. So ole Brogg couldn't handle that fiery wild cat." The ferret quickly slapped on a tuxedo and a snap on bow tie, pulling out a bouquet of flowers. "Well! I guess its a time for a certain woozle to take his chances!"

Taking a deep breath he walked off towards the wild cats chamber.

**EXACTLY FIVE MINUTES LATER**

The window of Tsarmina's chamber shattered as a certain tuxedo wearing woozle went sailing through the sky.

CRASH! SNAP! WHAM!

"Ow."

**MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER PART OF MOSSFLOWER...**

"Oh! Ahahahahahaha! Tell the part about the rats-"

"THATS ENOUGH!" Blacktooth shrieked, his furry head exploding from under the water. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU! RRRAAAA!"

The woozle lunged at the stoat, who "meeped" in surprise and leaped to the side, rolling over to the river edge. Wheeling around to face the stoat, the ferret growled.

"Now, now, Blackie!" The stoat was backing up into the water, "Don't be like that! Is it because Scratch was eaten by that bird? I know you two had a gay relationSHIIIIIP!" The stoat was sucked down into a sink hole under water, and his ferret companion just realized what happened.

"Oh no! Now I'm a virgin!" The ferret fell to his knees and was sobbing, and then the water started to bubble, and froth, and out popped the stoat Splitnose.

"Heya ferret face!" The three heros groaned out loud. They weren't out of this yet. Then Gonff got a really spontaneous idea.

"Hey you guys!" The two mustelids were both hugging and laughing at the fact that they hadn't died this far in the book, cuz the usual vermin horde beast doesn't last long in a Redwall book, and they stopped laughing and looked at the mouse. "Ya know, since you two are so happy, you should go and leave this orrible place!"

And the two woozles did just that.

**I know, I know, it was a pretty homo ending. But I was running out of IDEAS! Please give me some in the comment section! I beg you! Anyways, I'm movin' the plot now! The next chapter is where they meet the shrew Logalog. I'm still alittle surprised I'm dis good to get 56 reveiws already! :D **

**All thanks to my fellow authors!**


	9. Chapter 9: Logalog!

Martin and Co. were walking along in Mossflower when they came to crystal clear river. Martin groaned as he heard a rustling in the bushes.

"Oh fer the love of me, can't we go anywhere without _something _trying to get us!?"

"Oh doan't be froightened mister moiten!" Kinny the mole said, patting the mouse on the back. "Moi bee it's a fwoindly beasty!"

"Kinny," The mole turned to the mouse warrior. "what the f(bleep) happened to your voice?"

The mole coughed and cleared his throat, spitting out a massive wad of spit.

"Sorry. The authors trying to do mole speech again."

"Well he sucks at it."

The trio then turned to the rustling bushes as the mysterious thing finally decided to stop goofing around and show itself. A long coiling snake with a diamond pattern snaked out, followed by a slimy lizard thingy with gills.

"Oh my god! What in the name of me is that slimy little thing!" The mouse warrior wailed, pointed a terrified finger at the newt. "It's got gills! And- and-"

"Oh hiya!" The newt said rather loudly, cutting the mouse off, "My names Whipscale, the beast who's _NOT JUDGING YOU ON YOUR APPEARANCE!_"

"Yeah small stuff, yer not too good looking yourself! Pah! Fur, it's all fuzzy and disgusting!" Gonff giggled at Martin as he growled at the snake. The snake then turned it's gaze on the giggling mouse. "Oh! You thought that was funny? Did you?"

The snake spat into the river.

"Your kind disgusts me." The snake then sighed. "Well, since you were so mean to us, I see it only fair that you apologize."

"Apologize?!" The mouse was taken back. He would never apologize to a snake! "No! I'll never apologize to _vermin_!"

"Well were not letting you pass!" Then something rather unexpected happened.

"GGGGRRRRAAAR! SHREW POWER ACTIVATE!" The snake's eyes filled with pure confusion as the voice was heard from the reeds.

"Da fu-" A club came sailing from the reeds, smashing into the snakes skull. Instead of knocking it out, it simply bounced off its head, causing the snake to curse. "Aw son of bitch!"

A shrew came running through the reeds, screaming and yelling.

" Grrrraaarglarg! Logalogalogalog! Get off my stream bank you filthy vermin! Gralgalarg!" The snake hissed in disgust.

"Oh! _Your stream bank! _What the f(bleep) is wrong with you? This is every ones stream bank!" But of course, the racist woodlander simply roared a battle cry and punched Whipscale, sending him toppling into the river.

"THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING TIME! GET THE F(bleep) OFF MY STREAM BANK!" Finally the snake simply groaned and gave up.

"Oh f(bleep) this! I'm leaving!" Slithering off into the water the snake scooped up the unconscious newt and disappeared among the reeds. The two mice and the mole stared at the frothing shrew, who suddenly turned to them with a cheerful look on his face.

"Hi friends! My name's Logalog, everyone is welcome on _my _stream bank!" The shrew ran over and wrapped his arms around Martin, lifting him off the ground, squeezing him so hard that there was loud audible _snap. _The mouse gasped and wheezed as the shrew crushed his spine. Then dropping the mouse, who flopped to the ground like a lifeless rag doll, he turned to Gonff, who ran off screaming.

**MEANWHILE….**

"So Patchcoat! How are ya doin' you fine looking foxie!" The wildcat patted the fox on the back, leading him across the parade grounds. Passing a nearby garrison of troops as they chatted away, the commander of the troops cocked his head at the otter with a peice of paper on his face.

"Uuuh... yer majesty?" Tsarmina stopped in her tracks and turned to the weasel, a broad cheerful smile on her face. "Who's the otter?"

"_Otter?!" _The wild cat squinted at the drawing on the peice of paper, masking the otters identity. "Why this fellow is a full blown fox!"

"But its just an otter with a peice of paper taped to his face..." The wild cat simply laughed at the weasel, replying,

"Oh you little weasely! Just look at the foxish face!" The weasel blankly stared at the poorly drawn face staring back at him.

"Well then..." The weasel noticed the lack in tail the otter, fox, thing, had. "Well then where's his tail?"

"He lost it in a battle with a giant wolverine!" The wild cat wrapped her arms around the fox, "The poor thing!"

"But-"

"Commander, do you want to keep yer baby makers?"

"Yes."

"Then shut the fuck up."

"Ok."

**LATER...**

Tsarmina, Ashleg, and Patchcoat all sat at a large table, food of all kinds laid out. There were scones, Raspberry tarts with glazed honey, individually packed pudding cups, canned corn, five liter bottles of Orange Crush, a massive bowl of Dorritos, and last but not least, POP TARTS!

The wild cat who had suggested the fine meal was looking from pine marten to fake fox, and attempting to start a conversation, said rather cheerfully,

"Well, did we do anything intresting today? How bout' you Ashpig?" The pine marten growled lowly to himself, and answered,

"Well I, _ASHLEG_, did have a pretty nice experience with a certain maid-"

"Soooo... Patchcoat? How did you show up at our door?" The wild cat asked, cutting off the marten. And as the otter answered the Queen, the pine marten was slowly getting ready to explode.

"Well miss, I was walkin' down the ole dusty trail, when I sees yer beautiful castle..."

"GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"... and I thought to myself, 'Well, isn't that a beautiful castle!' and then I decided to..."

"GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!"

"... and then I knocked on the door and here I a-"

"GGGRRRRRRAAAAARRRG!" The pine marten flipped the table over, sending food flying everywhere, and the wild cat shot up from her seat.

"Ashswig! Calm down this-"

"SHUT YER YAP YOU PUSSY!" The wild cat took a step back as the pine marten kicked a door of it's hinges, walking out. He'd had enough. And she knew it.

"Well who needs you! I have Patchcoat! Right Patchy watchy!" Grabbing the otter she hugged him close, tears streaming from her eyes. "_We _don't need you!"

The otters eyes went wide as the cat hugged him even closer, crying.

"We?"

**MEANWHILE, IN THE DUNGEONS OF KOTIR...**

Gingivere sat in his cell, watching as the two hedgehog kits, or what ever you call hedgehog babies, as they rolled around playing.

"Common miffer Gingy! Pway wif us!" The wildcat groaned and began to bounce Firty on his knee. Then Coggs started to whine and pretty soon he was akimbo knee bouncing the two hedgehogs.

"Wee!"

"Yay!"

"Oh god I hope this ends soon..."

**Well guys I give you the next chapter of my abridged series. And I decided to make Logalog bipolar! **

**So uh, yeah. Oh, I also went to six flags this august! That was fun! Although I nearly died on one of there Roller Coasters! **

**Well, please Reveiw!**


	10. Chapter 10: HARES DEAR GOD

"Your majesty!" Brogg flew in the door, once again making the wild cat freak and toss her dolls under the bed.

"Dammit Brogg what is it!?" The wild cat screamed in response to the weasel, who began to answer but hesitated. The wild cat growled.

"Well, spit it out!"

"Uh, well, ya see yer majesty-"

"See ya later bitches!" A voice from the parade grounds yelled, making the wild cats ears perk up.

"Patchcoat?" The cat peered out a window at the parade grounds to see four beasts running towards the gate. One of them looked like an otter with a peice of paper taped to his face. "Paaatchccooooooaaaat!"

The wildcat rushed down the steps, shoving beasts out of the way left and right, she screeched to a halt at the bottom in front of a bow weilding rat.

"Gimme that Squeaks!"

"But name isn't- SQUEAK!" The wild cat kicked the rat away, and kicking the door open she took aim at her brothers spine.

"No one steals my man- er, uh, I mean beast." Then she sent the arrow flying at the four men- er, I mean- beasts.

Gingivere ran as fast as his feet could carry him, carrying the two hedgehogs with him. Gasping and wheezing he turned to the otter Mask.

"So your _really an otter?!"_

"Uh, yeah." The otter told him. "God the stupidity of some beasts..."

"What was that?" The otter caught a look of the wild cats fangs.

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

"Oh."

"Yeah why would I say any thing bad about you? God yer like a brother to me!"

"Oh well that was really-"

_WSSSSSS THUNK! _

"GAH! MOTHER F(BLEEP)ING-"

"Whats wrong Mask?! Are you alright!?" The otter simply grunted to himself.

"I'm fine! Just... UGH! Fine!"

Tsarmina watched as the otter flopped face first to the ground, _her arrow _lodged in his back. Hot tears flooded her eyes as she fell to her knees.

"WWWWWWWHHHHYYYYYY!?" Brogg peered over the sobbing wild cat, looking over at the dead otter as he was dragged away.

"Wow you suck at shooting a bow."

"Brogg..." The wild cat said, her voice now a low hiss.

"Uh, yes?" The weasel replied, backing away.

"You better run."

**MEANWHILE, AT SALAMANDERASHTRAY...**

Martin and company all looked upon the massive mountain as it loomed over them, completely dazzled by the great structure as it seemed to have no end to its height. Then Gonff spoke up.

"Wow thats a great-"

"SHUT THE F(BLEEP) UP DAMMIT!" Logalog screamed in the mouse theifs face, punching him to the ground. "Oh I'm sorry my dear friend are you alright?" The shrew gently scooped the mouse up, patting his head.

"Who would do such a thing?" The shrew asked his companions, a tear gliding down his cheek.

"Gee I wonder who." Martin mumbled to himself, rolling his eyes. Then before Gonff could scream "friends for life" and embrace him in a bone crushing hug, the doors to Salamandastron opened. And when that happened the four of them screamed and dived for cover as fire works launched from the mountain and exploded in the air, sending sparks and smoke every where.

"Well that went bally well down hill all say wot!"

"Ya bally wanker you nearly blew there bloody heads off!"

"No I didn't it was Starbuck! The bally lupine female can't do anything except fer cook wot!"

"SEXIST!"

"Well excuse me-"

The four companions all peeped the out of hiding as three hares, two males and one female, came out of the mountain.

"Ello? Is any beast there wot?"

Silence.

"Well then we'll just shut the door really slloooowlllyy... heeerreee wweee goo... leaaavving noow!"

The three rushed out of their hiding places, and the hares leapt from the door way.

"Ah HA!"

**LATER**

"Boar the fighter!" Martin screamed, running towards the badger working in the forge, flailing his arms."We need your help!"

The badger couldn't really hear him over the roar of the forge. One of the hares leaned over close to Martin.

"He can't here you. See the roar of the forge-"

"Yeah, yeah, I read the script!" The mouse retorted, then clearing his throat, he yelled, "BADGER! BAAAADGER! HEY BAAAAAAAAAADGER! HE-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF OUR NON EXISTENT GOD SHUT UP!" Came the roaring reply from the badger. Dropping two massive tongs onto the floor he turned to the three. "God I hate I seriously hate your kind. If this wasn't a children's novel I would- Wait. How the f(bleep) do you know my name?"

"No idea. Now help us."

"Sure. Beats hanging around with these." The badger jerked a thumbs over at two hares, both of them sporting monocles and cups of tea. They were conversing pretty happily.

"Well I went on down to the bally well clippy shop tah get me bloody mustache trimmed when I was set upon by two ferrets wot wot!"

"Well I say old bean that just bally well unlucky wot wot wot wot!"

"Well wot wot wot wot wot wot!"

"Wot wot?"

"Wot wot!"

"Aah! Wot wot!

"Smashing story!"

"Yes, quite."

**And heres the next chapter! And god I've been waiting to make fun of hares soooo much!**


	11. Chapter 11: MOSSFLOWER: THE GRAND FINALE

Tsarmina was calmy sleeping in her massive ass king sized bed, cuddling a doll as she snoozed happily. The door creaked open and Brogg pooked his head in, whispering,

"Yer majesty!" No answer. The cat simply turned away from the weasel. "Yer majeesty!" Still no answer.

"Oh f(bleep) this- WAKE UP CAT!" The wild cat queen shot up into the ceiling with a yell, shaking madly.

"GOD DAMMIT BROGG WHAT?" A loud explosion and the sound of rocks tumbling down their walls answered her question, followed by the horrified screams of ferrets and stoats.

"Were... uh, under seige miss."

**Outside the castle...**

"So... lemme get this straight, you trekked all the way from here to Salamandastron?" Amber asked Martin, who had just arrived with a full ship of woodlanders and then with a stroke of luck met his old friend who for some reason knew how to make a catapult. "And then you found a ship full of slaves?"

"Yeah huh." Bella came running up to Martin, and upon roughly grabbing him by the collar of his armor she yelled,

"WHERE THE F(bleep)S MY FATHER THEN?"

"Uuuh... yeah, about that-"

**Exactly two hours earlier...**

Boar the fighter slashed and hacked away at rats left and right, cutting most of them into peices, and then grabbed Ripfang.

"Ripfang! How it been my ole buddy ole pal?" The badger said cheerily, slicing more rat into peices.

"Ar-"

"GIVE ME A HUG YOU FUZZY THING YOU!"

CCRRRUUUUUUUUNNNCH!

"Oh dammit I brokeded it." Then he was swarmed over by rats.

"Yeeeeeeeaaah thats what kind a happened." Martin finished, and Bella dropped him, completely speechless. Martin squeaked and rolled into a ball as the massive badger started to convulse with rage and theeen... did nothing. She simply walked away.

"Well," Gonff said, kicking a overly attached and friendly Logalog off of him. "That went better than expected."

Later Martin found himself walking up to his friend Timballisto, who watched smiling as yet another boulder smashed into the castle, several rats tumbling off the walls.

"So, you just so happen to know how to biuld a catapult?" In an instant the mouse had Martin pinned to a tree, screaming,

"ITS A GOD DAMN BALLISTA YOU STUPID SH(bleep)!" Tossing Martin to the ground the mouse stomped away, and before he could get up Logalog punches him in the face, screaming,

"SHUT UP! YOU DON'T CONTROL MY LIFE!" Then the shrew ran off crying into the forest, and Gonff couldn't help himself and fell over laughing.

"OH! That is a _treat!_" The mouse giggled. "TWO bipolars now!"

Skipper watched as they castle continued to be bombarded, and pretty soon he watched as weasel and rats started jumping out of the crumbling structure, swimming for their lives.

"Alright guys! Lets fish em out!" The otters started to leap into the lake and snatch vermin, and Skipper yelled one last thing before he laughed and swam in, "Save one for me! I've always wanted a pet ferret!"

**Meanwhile, in the dying fortress, **

"Tsarmina, we have to go!" The weasel tugged and pulled at the wild cats tail, but she refused to leave. Their plumbing has finally died, and every where the toilets were flooding.

"NO! Theres F(bleep)ing POO WATER EVERYWHERE!" The weasel face palmed and groaned.

"God dammit were gonna get-" A massive boulder smashed into the weasel with a sickening crunch, and the wildcat ripped a door of its hinges and leapt into the lake, screaming,

"OKAAAY! I'M GOING! GOD BROGG YA DIDN'T HAVE TO DO _THAT TO GET ME TO GO! _... Brogg?"

**Later...**

"Ok, Ok, Ok," The freaked out wildcat said to herself as her door floated down the Rivermoss, "All I have to do is reach land and rally the troops and then-"

"Ha!" It was skippers very distant voice as he addressed the vermin prisoners, "Those soldiers weren't a problems at all, and now we've defeated them!" Tsarmina heard the distant cheers of the Redw- I mean Woodlanders.

"Well thats out." She said grimly, leaping onto the stream bank. And then she came face to face with Martin The Warrior(tm).

"Oh goody!" She clapped her paws happily, rubbing them together, "More mice to slaughter and ea- I mean bury. Yes, that what I meant. Bury them and desicrate their graves. Hehehe. Ya know, cuz were not animals..."

The mouse whipped a shiny knew sword. The cat gasped in surprise, and the mouse charged, but she called out,

"WAIT!" The mouse stopped inches from attacking her, and then stabbed his sword into the ground, tapping his footpaw. The cat pulled out a large stack of papers title "Mossflower" and paged through it.

"Ah ha! It says here that I broke your sword in chapter two!" The mouse laughed at the cat.

"I had boar make me this one _off screen!_"

"Oh well thats just- RRRRAAAA!" The cat lunged and slashed the mouse chain mail, making a horrific gash in his side. The mouse retorted by stabbing her paw, making the queen roar in rage and leap back.

The mouse held up his sword in a defensive posture and said one thing,

"Come at me bro." The cat roared and leapt again, this time she dodged the mouse's sword, which slashed inches from her face slicing a whisker, and grabbed him by the throat.

"Gotcha bitch!" And then she pounded the mouse against the ground and tossed him into the river, laughing madly. "Ah ha ha ha! This is the funnest and most action packed thing I've done in the whole damn series!"

Walking into the shallow water with a boastful, cocky swagger. Grinning she knelt down and grabbed the mouse by the collar of his armor, and pulled back her paw for a slash.

"Ha!" The wildcat looked behind her shoulder to see a grinning mouse. "Knock knock?"

"Whos there?" The confused cat said, and the mouse answered,

"Going in the river!"

"Going in the river? Who?" Then the wildcat gasped as the mouse's legs shot up and Martins hands hooked under her arm pits, and then he launched her into the river with a loud battle cry. Gonff watched as the cat sunk into the river with a gurgle.

"YOU!" Tsarmina felt herself sink into a swirling world of darkness, and she ponder if she'd would ever over come her fear of the _Cold And Dark._ ... Probably not. Cuz she's dead. Yep.

And so are three-

"WHAT ABOUT ME! I'LL KILL YOU!" Logalog screamed at nothing, while skipper groaned. Not another one like Gonff.

And so are four brave heros saved Mossflower, Kotir became Redwall, Bella died in one of the books, Lady Amber is never mentioned again I think, and Skipper Warthorn is still an awesome otter.

"GGGOOOOOOONFF!" Columbine slammed into Gonff, who scrambled to get free but couldn't, no one can escape a stalker's grip! The mouse Columbine stared into his eyes lustfully and pulled out a bottle of maple syrup, licking her lips, and the mouse thief gulped nervously.

**And so you guys, I got sick of doing Mossflower and just finished it. Well, next Imma gonna do Redwall, which I know all you guys are gonna be dying for! And don't worry, I'll follow the story better in the next book.**


	12. Chapter 12: Redwall Abridged

**REDWALL: ABRIDGED**

A young mouse waddled awkwardly along in his large sandals, which flopped around commically with every step, attempting to carry a basket of nuts to the friar. Of course he had to fall, ya know, because he's _that _kind of main character. The mouse tumbled and crashed, nuts falling everywhere, and fell at the feet of abbot- uh, abbot- uuuh...

**One moment of the author checking his Redwall collection later... **

And then he fell right at the feet of abbot Mortimer! The mouse squeaked and scrambled to get back on his feet, apologies spilling from his mouth,

"Sorry father habit, tripped on my abbot- er uh, I mean- Oh dear..." The abbot sighed. Matthais. The only mouse with the brains of an egg plant and the clumsiness of a drunken ferret!

"Matthais, forget the nuts and get on your feet please."

"Why did you have me get those anyway?"

"No Idea. I'm old and I do crazy things sometimes." The old mouse grabbed the young ones paw and started to walk him towards the abbey garden. "Now come with me. I'm old and I like the company of children." Matthais gulped nervously.

"I, uh, need an adult?"

"I am an adult!"

**Later...**

"WHERE THE F(bleep) IS MATTHAIS?!" Friar Hugo was frothing and foaming at the mouth as he stomped about his kitchen. "AND WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE NUTS I ASKED FOR?"

Oh. Matthais thought as he walked into Cavern Hole, _thats _what the nuts were for.

Oh well, no time to help the friar or anything, he had to go hit on that sexy mouse maid Cornflower! The young mouse maid was sitting at the far end of one of the tables, right nex to two younger mice maids. Sitting next to the maid Matthais propped his head up on his elbow and grinned at the mouse. Time to flex. The mouse strained and flexed his biceps, which bulged out with strength and utter manlyness. But of course, she ignored him and he simply sighed and began to eat his soup.

Abbot Mortimer sat down at his chair at the end of the table, foods of all kinds laid out before the beasts, and he said,

"And now my brothers and sisters of Redwall, please do enjoy this feast, and the entertainment provided by are non existent skipper and his otters." And so a bunch of otters came tumbling and cart wheeling out, laughing and chortling, because, well, otters were just bubbley. As the young ones cheered the bubbley and excited otters as they began to make a tower of lutra awesomeness, a young otter maid named Winifred nudged Matthais, asking,

"Where the hell _is _skipper anyway?" Matthais shrugged. Everyone in this book had no Idea why there was no Skipper in their book, even though there was one in Mossflower the god damned prequel and in most of the other books that took place before their time, so most of them just assumed he died.

Well after all the beasts of Redwall had greedily stuffed themselves the visitors all left to their homes clumsily, and the brothers and sisters all stumbled up to the dorms. Matthais, in an attempt to get closer to Cornflower and he body, offered to acompany her and her family home.

Constance pulled the cart along as Cornflower snoozed on a grinning Matthais's shoulder, carrying them off to their little home. But then the badgers spi- er, badger senses suddenly tingled and she chucked the cart into the bushes and leapt into the bush after it. Seconds later a cart pulled by a horse sped past them. She might have broken every bone in the small critters bodies, but at least she saved them from a speeding cart that would of just passed them harmlessly.

**Five minutes earlier...**

"What I'm saying cheif is that if we take the east road into the marshes we'll just bump into the non existant flitcheye!"

"Well ok then we'll just take the west road!"

"But then that'll take us to the non existant Long Partol and the non existant Salamandastron!"

"Well sh(bleep) Cheestheif! What _should we do then?_" The rat Cheesetheif pointed to the south road. "Oh. Well where does that lead us then?"

"Oh to redwall cheif."

"TO REDWALL THEN!" The rat warlord yelled happily, his poison barbed tail whipping out and stabbing a random rat. Later Cluny realized that their little cart wasn't moving as fast and noticed the horse panting and then it finally just collapsed. Gasping and wheezing the horse lay their, making Cluny mad.

"SKULLFACE!" A rat poked his head out of the hay.

"Yesh cheif?"

"Get that horse moving. NOW!"

"Righto chiefy!" The happy rat dutifully leapt onto the horse hind quarters, only for the horse to bolt off and send him flying under the wheels. The rat lay in a red mist of death, the life ebbing from his body, and the last thing he saw before darkness claimed him was the sneering rat Cluny yell,

"Tell the devil Cluny sent you! What?... And tell him Cheesetheif and Fangburn said hi!"

Cluny the scourge was on the move once again.

**And so I give you REDWALL ABRIDGED!**


	13. Chapter 13: Wreckage

"So, what your trying to tell me is that theres a big mean rat that smashed into your cart?" Constance nodded, pity in her eyes as she looked down upon the injured mice, who were covered in cuts and bruises. Matthais tried to tell the abbot that she f(bleeping) tossed them into a bush, but the badger simply clapped a paw to his mouth, cooing,

"SHHH! Shhh! It'll be ok! Your fine! Your fine!"

"But you-"

"IT'LL BE JUST FINE DAMN IT!" The badger grabbed a pillow and stuffed into his mouth, muffling his yells and protests. Turning back to Mortimer, she calmly explained, "Yes, my grand dad once knew a searat, so I guess thats what these ones are like!"

"Well bitch, someones a racist today eh?" A voice called from the parade grounds, and constance growled and yelled back at the beasts, screaming out the window,

"Shut up random otter number two!" The voice sounded shocked and hurt as it replied,

"Hey! This is a childrens book!"

"Says the one who said bitch!" She retorted, then quite randomly she heard this,

"Well f(bleep) why don't we all just get naked then!"

"What?!"

"SKINNY DIPING!" Several otters stripped themselves of their shorts and pantaloons, much to the peaceful abbey dwellers horror, showing off their... unmentionables as they dove into the lake, laughing and wrestling. Constance simply face palmed and turned back to the abbot.

"Well anyways I say we should get all the beasts safely within' our walls!"

"Yes, that is a wonderful Idea! Matthais my boy!" The young mouse lifted his head from staring at the floor, "Get to the bell tower and ring those bells!"

**Meanwhile...**

"Eh cheif! CHEEEEIF!" The rat woke up to see Cheesetheif stradling over him, smiling. "Hi cheif! I dragged you from a flaming wreckage and bandaged up your wounds! Pretty cool huh?"

The rat simply stared at him for a moment, then back handed him away, screaming,

"CHEESETHEIF GET YOUR FILTHY MAN PARTS OUT OF MY FACE!" Fangburn grinned when he heard this, "NOW GO RALLY THE TROOPS!" Cheesetheif squeaked and scrambled to find what was left of the rats.

The rat looked around to see his hay cart smashed the f(bleep) up, most of his men missing limbs, and that damned horse had ran off! Growling he grabbed a passing rat, yanking him over to his side.

"I need you to go get me more men! Get some weasels and stoats and ferrets!"

"But sir don't they EAT rats?" The rat warlord simply laughed, giving the smaller rat a hearty clap on the back.

"Oooooh whats yer name! You'll never learn!" And with that the rat shoved the grunt into the forest, saying blissfully, "Now go make friends with a ferret!"

The rat stumbled and tripped over a root, flying head over heels into a bush. Cluny made mental check mark, saying,

"Alrighty then, my new army is being assembled!" Turning to Fangburn, who was busy staring blissfully at a bulky rat as it lifted a hug chunk of debri, he grabbed him and ordered,

"Fangburn! Go find us a place to stay!" He shoved him off in a random direction, and then grabbed what he thought was a rat he screamed,

"AND WHERES MY NEW- " The rat meeped and unclenched his paw from the chest of a large ferret, who had a rat tail sticking out of the corner of its mouth, his cheeks wriggling around. "Uuuh... hi?"

The rat whom he had sent to get some weasel and ferrets for his army poked his head out of the mustelids mouth, saliva dripping of his head, his voice shakey,

"U-u-u-uh f-f-found y-y-you a n-n-new r-recruit sir! Uh, could y-you tell him to- MEEP!" The ferret sucked him back in before he could even finish his sentence, and Cluny growled and grabbed the rats tail as the ferret swallowed, preventing the bulge in his throat from going any further.

"Oh no you don't! This is a _childrens book!_" The ferret sighed and regurgitated the rat, who fell to the ground with a wet splat. Cluny sneered and yanked the rat back onto his feet, saying, "See? Ferrets don't eat rats!"

The rat looked over at the mustelid, who was licking his lips and staring at him. Cluny completely ignored the predatory nature the ferret had, and ordered predator and prey to go forage for food.

"But sir! He'll just eat me!" The rat whined as Cluny shoved a basket in his paws.

"Oh no he won't! I'll make sure of it!" The warlord turned to the massive ferret, and said sterning,

"Now don't eat this little guy? Ok?" The ferret nodded. "Good! Well, off you go!" And with that cluny shoved the two off into the forest. Watching until the two had completely disappeared he smiled and turned around to see that Cheesetheif had reassembled the troops, all fifteen of them.

"UUUUGH. Well things can't get any worse!" And then it started to rain and thunder boomed in the sky, and there was a flash of lightning, and Cluny fell to his knees and roared. "FFFUUUUUUUUU-"

**Well guys, here ya go! I'm sorry if it doesn't move the book along too well, I just wanted to post this! **

**:3 read and review!**


	14. Chapter 14: Gay Redfang

"Matthais! Matthais!" Matthais turned only to be glomped by a whimpering Cornflower. "There's an evil rat at the gate! He's big, he has an eyepatch, and and and he's mean!"

The young mouse dropped the maiden, who squeaked in alarm as her bottom hit the floor, and he declared,

"THEN WE SHALL JUDGE HIM BEFORE WE EVEN GET TO KNOW HIM!" And with that the mouse raced down the halls towards the abbot's study without any consideration for the maid's well being. Not even a sexy maid hugging him can stop a racist.

The abbot was busy watching a group of otters out his window as they ran around in circles laughing and chortling as they tried to catch their tails, when Matthais literally kicked the door of it's hinges. Watching the door as it fell to the stone ground with a loud thud, he sighed.

"Matthais! That door was clearly unlocked!"

"WHO GIVES A F(bleep)! THERES A POSSIBLEY EVIL RAT AT OUR GATE-"

"Wait-" The old mouse stopped him, leaning forward, "A _possibly _evil rat?"

Matthias nodded.

"How do you even know that he's evil?"

"Because he has an eyepatch, and he's big, and and and he's mean!"

Mortimer's eyes widened as he heard that, and he stood up.

"Oh F(bleep) that is a problem! Assemble the sexy otter guard!"

And so the sexy otter guard was assembled outside the abbey on the parade grounds. At least thirty otters were outside the abbey, flexing there perfectly formed muscles and their eight pack abs. There silky fur shined in the light as they struck several sexy poses, and the only clothing they had on were swim trunks (as was customary for otters). Their faces were flawless pictures of hotness as they winked at several maids, causing them to sigh and faint.

The abbot let out a sigh of relief, turning to Matthias he placed a reassuring paw on his shoulder.

"Your safe now, my child. No beast gets through the sexy otter guard!"

"Why?" Matthias asked, cocking his head. Mortimer narrowed his eyes and his voice got deep and serious.

"Because my boy, no one can resist there sexiness."

"Oooh!"

**Meanwhile...**

"Redfang!"

"Yes Cheif?"

"Minion abuse!"

"What-"

WACK!

"OW!"

"Ha!"

Redfang, Cheesetheif, and Cluny had been waiting outside the walls of Redwall, sitting on the path for more than an hour. Cluny simply abused the sh(bleep) out of Redfang, while Cheesetheif kept on suggesting ideas to his higher up. And with every suggestion, Cluny would dismiss is as impossible.

"So chief, how bout' we get this HUUUUUUGE siege tower thing to get _over _the walls!"

"Impossible."

"All righty then! How bout' we tunnel _under _the wall-"

"Inconceivable!"

"Then how bout' we take some hostages and have them sneak in and open the doors for us-"

"STUPID!" The rat warlords tail whipped around and pimp slapped the rat in the face, sending him tumbling across the ground.

"Ow."

Cluny ignored his moaning captain, rubbing his chin he thought of a plan to get into the abbey.

"Hmmm... we need a different plan... something that had never been done!" A light bulb _dinged _over Cluny's head and he shriek in shock and his tail lashed out, reducing the light bulb to shatters of glass and a few sparks. The rat shuddered as he looked down at the shatter remains, then he got an idea. "Ah ha! We can sneak in _pretending to be someone we're not! _GENIUS!"

**Later...**

"... and there is the infirmary where we keep all of our sick and wounded quests, and here," The old mouse stopped in front of the large tapestry, showing the two shifty figures in cloaks the tapestry's all mighty awesomeness. "Is Martin The Warrior. Are savoir. He's the one thing that keeps us going in times of sorrow, my god, if anything were to happen to it, oh that would just crush our spirit!"

The cloaked figures simply shuffled around, looking at every thing from the windows to the doors. The old mouse snorted indignantly, stomping his sandaled foot paw down he got their attention.

"Just WHO are you exactly?"

"AH HA!" Cluny whipped off his cloak, revealing his true ratty self. The old mouse gasped and stumbled to the ground, backing away in fear. "Yes! It is I! Cluny The Scourge! The three of us were only-

"There are only two of you." Mortimer quickly corrected the rat, who stopped laughing madly and looked around.

"REDFANG!" The rat yelled, looking around the large room. "WHERE THE FU-"

**Meanwhile, in the court yard... **

Redfang sighed as he watched the large otter walk out of the pond, his wet sleek body shining in the light as the otter stretched his back with a blissful groan, flexing his six pack as he did so. The rat squeaked as the otter spotted him watching, and he ducked down under the bush he was hiding behind. Dammit. He saw me.

Peeking out from under the bush he watched the lutra look around for a while, then shrug, possibly dismissing him as a bird or something. He sighed as the otter began to flex his muscles once again. So this is what love feels like... the rat thought as he slowly back out of the bush. Better get back to Cluny... he's probably missing me...

**Later... **

"Redfang! Show them the contract." The rat nodded and produced a pieced of rolled up parchment, clearing his throat the rat began to read it out loud to the abbey beasts.

"Ah ahem! Well, ya see, its like totally like this- so you, like, sign here, and here, and then you basically become his slaves and stuff, and you have to do whatever he tells you to do. Oh, and I uh..." The rat quickly scribbled in something at the bottom, pointing to the large and shirtless otter in the back of the crowd. "... and that sexy beast over there is my personal slave..."

The otter and Cluny both pulled surprised and confused faces when they heard that.

"What?" Cluny snatched the parchment from the rat, reading it over. "I DIDN'T WRITE THAT!"

"Aaaaw buuuut chheeeeif!"

**And so I give you the next chapter of REDWALL ABRIDGED! In case you missed it, The abbot and Matthias are racists, otters are sexy beasts, and Redfangs gay... oh and Cheesetheif still a kiss ass. **

**Well Read and Review!**


	15. Chapter 15: Racism and French Toast

**Warning: This fic is extremely graphic and random, and also poorly written. Most veiwers will find this stupid and pointless, and also probably insulting to the Redwall series. If any veiwers are pregnant or are prone to constipation, you are advised to look away from the computer. **

**Veiwer Discretion, is advised. **

**Last time, On REDWALL ABRIDGED- **

_"We don't like you!" _

_"I'm gay for that otter!" _

_"I am a genericly evil rat with a cape!" _

_"EEEEEEEEE-" _

**And now the epic saga continues...**

"We will not have you enslaving us!"

"Oh come ooon! We'll have _French Toast Tuesday_!"

"No."

"Dammit." The warlord turned his back to the old mouse and cursed to himself. "Usually French Toast Tuesday always gets em'!"

Cheesetheif turned his back to two mousemaids he was wooing and consulted with his higher up.

"They said they'd let us stay the night if we left all of our weapons on the lawn and didn't kill them!"

"Bullsh(bleep)! Killing helpless things is our thing! What would we be in this story if we didn't kill innocent things?"

"Nothing cheif?"

"Exactly!" The rat looked around the halls for his other right hand rat. "Where in the ell' is Redfang?"

"... ere' cheif..." Cluny whipped around to see the rat sitting on a chair and staring lustfully at an otter. Grapping the rat he yanked him over to his side and huddled them all together.

"Okay men. We have a problem!" Both of the rats put on stupified faces. "Gods Damn it take those silly masks off!" They took the stupified face masks off, smirking at each other.

"Sorry cheif we've been dying to use them!" With a groan the rat continued.

"Okay, these Redwallers aren't listening to reason, so I say we just slay the leader and then run out of here, and pretty soon anarchy will ensue, and then amidst the chaos we we swoop in and take the abbey!" The rats would of nodded in agreement if it weren't for a raging juggernaut badger exploding through a wall roaring,

"RACISM POWERS ACTIVATE!" Lifting up a table the badger smashed it down upon the three rats, squashing them down into flat pancake rodents. One of the pancakes sighed and said,

"Or we can just rage a f(bleeping) two month campaign against them." And with that being said the three pancakes waddled out of the abbey.

Constance then let out a victorious and accomplished sigh, and placing her hands on her hips she turned to the little mice children and declared,

"And that children is the power of racism!" The dibbuns all cheered and the badger walked off triumphantly.

**Yeeeeeeeaaaah racism jokes are gettin' a wee bit old huh? Well who gives a ferrets left thumb what you guys think! :D In the next chapter I'll be sure to include more to the book character and actually try to move the story along, so stay tuned! **

In the darkest corner of Saint Ninian's Church, a ferret snicker evilly as he fingered his dagger and he watched corn flower walk around atop the walls.

"I'll ge' you my pretty... and soon you'll be mine!" The mustelid growled sexually and took out a bottle of lotion and some tissues, and sheathing his dagger he was intent on getting something out of being drafted. And the perverted woozle would of started to if he hadn't of noticed your disgusted look as you read the last line. "What?! The author did say _Veiwer Descretion advised _right?!"


	16. Chapter 16: The Plank And Sneezing

Cluny's massive horde watched with confused and blank expressions on their faces as three armored pancakes with naked pink tails came waddling into camp, past the fire, and into the rat warlord's tent. One of the vermin spoke out among the rest.

"What the f(bleep) was that?"

STRRRRREEEEETCH POP! Cluny came stamping out, frothing at the mouth. STRRREEEETCH POP! Redfang came stumbling out of the tent. STRRREEEEETCH POP! Last but not least a dazed Cheesetheif stumbled out of the tent before bumbling head first into Darkclaw.

"FERRET ONE! FERRET TWO!" Two ferrets ran up to the captain, doing a salute and standing straight to attention. "Assemble the troops! We have to wage a f(bleeping) two month campaign!"

**Meanwhile...**

"Constance are you sure what you did was really the best thing to do?" Abbot Mortimer asked the badger as they walked amongst the halls. "I mean, the rat did say he was going to wage a f(bleeping) to month campaign!"

The badgers response was more cocky than worried.

"Pfft! Abbot please," The old mouse's eyes narrowed as the badger held out her hand to his face. "If he does, I'll just go crazy and kill them all!"

"Constance, why do we even let you stay here again?" The badger shrugged in response.

"Dunno. You never tell me to leave."

"Oh... have you seen Matthais lately? I enjoy the company of young boys..." And with that the mouse shuffled off to the dorm rooms, leaving the badger alone in the halls.

**Later... **

"So... who are you again?" Cluny asked, propping his head up on his elbow as yet another vermin beast ran in to apply for the role of captain. This one was a slender black furred weasel.

"Well, SNOOOORT!" The mustelid sucked up a wad of mucus into his snout. "Well I'm Scrag and I wanna... wanna... wannnnnaaaAAAACHHOOO!" The weasel sneezed with such force that he was sent flying out of the tent. The rat warlord face palmed and waved in the next contestant.

"Next."

"Chief?"

"Yes Redfang?"

"Maybe we should, like, have a competition and stuff." The rat spoke as he filed his claws. Cluny rubbed his chin as he considered the option.

"Hmmm... interesting... and what should be in this competition?" The gay rat grinned and pulled out a scroll, and upon unrolling it he began to read off the many trials and games.

"Weeeell chief. We could have an archery contest, and a pie eating contest, and a chess contest, and a kissing conte-"

"Wait-" The rat warlord stopped his minion, who paused and looked up from the parchment. "A _kissing contest?_ You are aware that there are no females here?"

"Well, yes chief. I- uh, er- uuuh.. YIPE!" Cluny yanked Redfang off of his feet, yelling in his face,

"GODS DAMMIT CHEESETHEIF-"

"It's Redfang." Redfang corrected right before Cluny pimp slapped him across the face.

"WHATEVER! I don't want any stupid contests, I want a f(bleep)ing CAPTAIN!"

Redfang flew from the tent and landed right on top of a sniffling and sneezing Scragg, who looked at the rat on his stomach before doing the mother of all sneezes into his face.

"S- SNOOOORT- sorry mate!"

**Meanwhile... (I say that a lot... maybe too much... hmmm... Okay, f(bleep) saying "Meanwhile", INSTEAD-)**

**Some other place in the story at another time... (genius ferret, genius)**

WUNK!

"Da fuck?" A puzzled sexy otter guard turned around to see several rats up in a tree, a plank laid out on one of the branches and the abbey wall. The otter simply chuckled as the rats began to scramble across the board. They all stopped in confusion as he climbed onto the plank as well.

"Uuhh..." The rat who was in the front of the group cocked his head at the otter as he began to undo the buttons on his jerkin. "Whateryou-"

Cluny's eyes went wide with fear and surprise and he began to push his way to the front, waving his arms screaming at the confused rat.

"NO YOU FOOL COVER YOUR EYES!" This only succeeded in confusing the rat even more.

"What do you-" FWWWOOOOSH! "GAAAAH!"

Matthias, Cornflower, and the badger Constance had all heard the screams from above and were scrambling up the stairs to the abbey walls. When they got to the top Cornflower and Constance both fainted and Matthias's Jaw hit the stone floor. On top of the wall battlements there stood a shining otter, his leather jerkin completely off showing his awesome six pack and pecks.

A beam of lutra sexiness was shooting off of his body, blinding the rats and even incinerating one of them. Screeching the pack of vermin all scrambled to get away from the unholy sexiness of the otter, tumbling off the plank as they did so. The plank wobbled and creaked as the rats all scrambled off the plank, until only Cluny was left. Who didn't back down.

"EEEERRG! STUPID HOMOPHOBIC MINIONS!" Making a move to free his sabre from his belt the rat was about to slash the otter but he was stopped by an unlikely thing. Redfang, who had begun to climb up the tree as soon as he heard the screams, saw self proclaimed boyfriend he had met in the abbey and came dashing along the branch, wacking his commander off to the side as he yelled,

"Move bitch!"

CRUNCH!

**(O.O) Oh my...**


End file.
